Its haunting me Again

I hate this feeling. This feeling was the scariest and it could make you depressed and heartbeats faster than ever.
When i called him, there's no answer, when messaging, no reply, and I found out he was not at home nut somewhere else... til morning comes... Can you guess what would it be?
I can hardly sleep, hardly breath, worried, trembling, speechless ...blank!
This is not the first time, as it recall me from an ex-boyfriend. My ex did the same to me last time and he told me tat my ex is not a good guy and a bastard, and he treating me really nice as he claimed himself would never do those kind of foolish behaviour. When time past, things are going different and what i notice was, MOSTLY all guys is the same!
I'm kinda disappointed and those behaviour really killing me and almost reaches the gate of the other world. Well, what i can say is, this moment, a minutes seems like an hour for me. Why i cant just sleep and the next day i wake and new beginning is waiting for me but why is there a weird feeling disturbing me from my beautiful life given by my lovely parents.
I should not suffered myself because of those so called gentleman but indeed, he's a bastard too.
I hope that was my last lesson and if the same thing happens to me in the future, i will quit from the game of love and surrender by claiming myself as loser of the love battlefield.

WHY?

Sad, cry, hurt, break, sorrow, struggle, stress, poor, die, disappointed, fear .. all these craps words cant just vanish from my life?
Why everytime my happiness must follow by sadness and tears?
I'm just a simple lil human who only wish for simple, peaceful and harmony life. Never harm any one b4, quite helpful and loves to give a hand on those who needs , was that a sin?
I have lovely grandparents and loving parents. We all loves to help others and same, their heart was very kind and never harm anyone. Why those bad things kept attacking them? I'm willing to take all their sickness and suffer alone rather than watching them struggling like this.
Today, i hold my grandmother's hand and i can feel she is very skinny compared to last time, her leg was weak to walk but she pretended to be strong. my tears dropping but i cant let them c it cuz they will hurt to c me sad. i hope she can overcome her sickness and also same to my grandfather who cares for every member in the family.I'm now suddenly blank. Will continue this in some other time..